I've been thinking A LOT lately about so many aspects of my life, my faith, my future, and my present and that leads me to this zone of not being able to articulate out all my thoughts - which hello blog post. Way cheaper than therapy and some people enjoy this hot mess...
It's crazy to think that 2014 happened - I was living in Chicago as a brand new attorney. Living this life that I had always dreamed about having and honestly got a little lost because every single goal I ever had - I had met. I had all these plans and goals and by 25 had flippin nailed them all. Who does that? To the point that I hit this low because all of the sudden I looked up and finally said "well, what now?" because it was over. All of what I had been planning for and been striving to achieve was done. But the beauty of life is it doesn't stop for you to figure out any of those pesky questions - it just pushed me down and on and the world kept spinning. And there were several bits when the swirling was really hard. I think I lost myself for a bit there. Like pregnant, living with my parents, without a job, wondering what had I done...
But it's 2016. And I'm a mom. A MOM. To the coolest, most beautiful, most wonderful creature I've ever seen. And it's like the entire world has changed and some days it's like nothing will ever change. But - life. Ya know?
Ok. Done with ramblings of the crazy. But I'm sure at least two of you totally understood all of that.
There's too much to try and recap about the life that has gone by in the last two years, but some major points that must be said to make sense: 1) we moved to Florida and 2) we had a baby. Those two things have so many strings attached that were never even contemplated when either of them really came around.
The moving to Florida has been such an experience. We are officially "grown ups". Matt's a full fledged doctor here - working daily with his own patients and helping to grow a practice with the intent to take over. And I'm in a firm that's so right for me it's scary. It's the first time in my life I feel like I can grow my talents and stretch my creative wings in a work environment.
And hello world - RAMONA GRACE. Y'all. We created a baby. This lady. This lady who had this horrific emotional, psychological, and physical meltdown circa 2012 when I was told I couldn't have kids. And then on August 25, 2015, in Montreal, Quebec, in a moment of utter confusion by the single most confusing pregnancy test I've ever encountered, I called in Matt. "If I'm pregnant there's supposed to be a negative sign and then a small plus sign. Is that a plus sign? It looks like a faint plus sign. What does this mean?" And he just laughed and said "I told you - you are pregnant!"
And then it was all a blur. And then she was here. And it's like we were always meant to have her here. And everything just made sense.
But life has not been easy. There have been set backs. But Jesus- oh Jesus in his grace- hit me with the softest failures of my life in the last two years. It's all very long and very detailed, but I've hit a wall with one of my last goals. This goal that I should be able to defeat. This goal that I'm smart enough to handle. I'm smart enough to make it my b****. I'm smart enough to take charge and dominate. And. I. Can't. Win.
And this last time I broke. A full day of wallowing and crying. Turned into two. Turned into three. "God, I just don't get it. What am I supposed to be learning here?" And I had lots of advice from several, reliable, dependable sources. And lots of love. And lots of encouragement. And I had zero tangible, palpable, painful repercussions. I just had grace.
Grace. The overwhelming and powerful presence that we don't deserve. Holy Grace. It's life altering. It's mind blowing. It's the thing that gives you the most perfect baby when you alone cannot. It's the thing that supplies you with not just a job, but a career, even when you don't deserve it.
And on day three, He said 5 small words. Words that have turned me, perhaps not around. Not even back. But my eyes are open. My ears are ready. In short - He - The Creator of the universe. Took the time to tell me - It's not about my failure. That it had nothing to do with what was happening to me. I'm being broken down (in the most gentle way I have ever seen Jesus move) until I am nothing. I. Literally just me. Nothing is being hurt by my failures. Just me. My pride. My brain. My ego. My me. The I is being demolished. And then I heard him say "I'm preparing you for the next."
Hello goosebumps. The next. I have so many friends who are either not Bible toting Baptists, or Grace Loving Presbys, or even believers and this will all seem like that crazy stuff on late night TV evangelism spots for your hot cash dollas. And until you hear Jesus/God - I cannot make you think I'm not crazy. I get it. This sounds crazy. But it's this crystal clear voice. I heard it the day I saw Matt. A complete and utter stranger. Yes, he's attractive, but I didn't know him at all and it was the second day of college. And I saw him sitting outside of the Bio building where we had our chem lecture and I had my iPod blaring. But everything got quiet and I saw him and I heard "that's who you're going to marry." That voice has led me to the most amazing aspects of my life. So yeah, I listen. With baited breath. With anticipation of greatness.
The next. The Coming of Age. All the aforementioned ramblings are to the point of today. I love having a commute. Driving alone and listening to music so loudly it hurts and I can feel the bass in my gut. That's my ideal end of the day. And I've recently changed to a vehicle without Sirius, so I burned a ton of CDs. And on one of my mixes (all of which are named after Mexican food btw, so I have no idea what any of them are... poor planning on my part) the Foster the People song Coming of Age came on. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBqzrj18S2w Listen to it. Don't watch the video. Just listen to it. Loudly.
My mom always told me she had to fight for me. She had a rough pregnancy. Scary rough. And several very spiritually real and terrifying things happened to my mom and to me when I was younger. And I've been all over the path to adulthood with crappy choices. Choices that should have derailed me. And I've experienced some hauntingly horrific aspects of the spiritual realm that led to months without sleep. And it honestly wasn't until my junior year in college that Jesus handed me this plan called lawyering and said this is what you're going to do. Flash forward to my biggest place of spiritual growth - The Evanston Vineyard. I had a wonderful mentor pray for me and she spoke a prophecy that she saw me standing on an elevated platform using my position in life to speak for those who cannot speak. And then nothing happened. No white dove. No rainbows. No butterflies. I just kept trudging. And working.
And at my first failure my brother just said at the end of a text "Noah kept building the boat even when it wasn't raining and even when the sky was clear." And at the second failure I said a bunch of apathetical excuses and said I can focus and accomplish. And at the third failure I said "wow I need to get right with Jesus." And I had a win. But I still hadn't won. And then the fourth failure hit. And then it started making sense.
You know the story of Jacob wrestling with the Angel? He was so exhausted. He was so tired. He was weary from the fight. He was too tired to rage. He needed a Coming of Age. He straight up wrestled an Angel of the Lord. He man handled a heavenly being demanding blessing. All. Night. Long. Do you realize the intensity of the failure there? You are willing to physically assault a creature of heaven until you get an answer of blessing. Y'all I'm there.
So welcome back. Welcome back to the transparency that might make you uncomfortable. And it might change your opinion of me. And that's ok. Because I am stumbling. I am stumbling after a Holy God. And a next that I cannot even fathom. I'm wrestling. I'm desperately clinging to His robe, begging for blessing. This is my Coming of Age. I cannot move on until there is no me left in my thought process - just Christ allowing me, guiding me, moving me, inspiring me. And that is where I'm picking my pieces back up. I'm not letting go. This is me. This is us. This is life.
And it is so beautiful.
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