When Feet Simply Will Not Do

Sometime during my college years, my mom gave me a book that would forever change my life. To date, I've read it four times and am about to open it up again.

In all honesty, until my junior year of college, any Jesus focus was for short bursts of sudden emergency-based faith or apathetic at best. The all-too-typical "Christian home" syndrome, wherein you know everything that should be done and said and prayed, but if you are like me, you tend to arch your back against the should. And I say arch because that's how Ramona fights me - it's not a fast recoil or a bolt. In her weakness and unlearned movements, she just arches against my plan.  In short, Jesus wasn't my focus at all. And I'm not sure why she gave me the book when she did. Perhaps she knew my journey would never be an easy traverse across luscious green pastures with butterflies.  And I will say with a heavy caveat, my journey, as compared to many others, has been a walk in the park. Perhaps because most of my journey has been contained in my mind, my body, my weaknesses, my spiritual walk, my marriage, and my wins and losses.

"I must tell you a great truth, Much-Afraid, which only the few understand. All the fairest beauties in the human soul, its greatest victories, and its most splendid achievements are always those which no one else knows anything about, or can only dimly guess at. Every inner response of the human heart to Love and every conquest over self-love is a new flower on the tree of Love."

But the call I feel on my life and with my husband is becoming more apparent the older we get. We have seasons where we drift in and out of this master plan and it's obvious when the drifting has gone too far out. We will struggle to feel purposeful. We will struggle to feel connected. We will struggle to feel joyful. And for me, I will struggle just to feel. And then we will have some moment that will melt my solidified heart and bring be back in.

"Whenever you are willing to obey me, Much-Afraid, and to follow the path of my choice, you will always be able to hear and recognize my voice, and when you hear it you must always obey. Remember also that it is always safe to obey my voice, even if it seems to call you to paths which look impossible or even crazy.” 

I think all too often people confuse the Christian walk as this mystical yellow brick road bringing you home to Jesus. I mean, I'm sure there are some parts that feel that way, but more often than not, my walk is TOTALLY different. It's when I am most committed to prayer and searching for wisdom through the Bible that my life becomes the most stressful. Outside relationships will start to become insanely frustrating. I'll feel like I'm in a funk when I go to church. Everything about church/community will get on my last nerve. I'll suddenly get so judgmental about the most minor aspect of worship or the pastor that I'm entirely missing the point of the sermon. And then the night terrors will happen. The ones where I'm too scared to sleep. The ones where I have to have my husband physically hold me down in the bed because I'm screaming and hyperventilating so badly because of what I see/experience. The ones I have to text or call the 5 or so people who know about what I see and beg them to pray with me so I can sleep. But why would all this attack happen? Why would it all be so difficult? Why would I experience crippling failure and depression? Why would I experience inexplicable fatigue and exhaustion? Why would my anxiety overwhelm me to the point of stagnancy?

"Therefore I begin to think, my Lord, you purposely allow us to be brought into contact with the bad and evil things that you want changed. Perhaps that is the very reason that we are here in this world, where sin and sorrow and suffering and evil abound, so that we may let you teach us so to react to them, that out of them we can create lovely qualities to live forever. That is the only really satisfactory way of dealing with evil, not simply binding it so that it cannot work harm, but whenever possible overcoming it with good."

Because. Because of the hind. A hind is a female deer, specifically a red deer. But throughout literature and the Bible, the deer is commonly referenced for a more specific purpose: its feet.

The ugly, hoof shaped feet of a deer or mountain goat are the very reason it can climb and jump. To quote "the Google" - "The mountain goat's feet are well-suited for climbing steep, rocky slopes with pitches exceeding 60°, with inner pads that provide traction and cloven hooves that can spread apart. The tips of their feet have sharp dewclaws that keep them from slipping." 

“O Shepherd. You said you would make my feet like hinds' feet and set me upon High Places".
"Well", he answered "the only way to develop hinds' feet is to go by the paths which the hinds use.” 

So back to the book.  Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard is an allegorical tale featuring Much-Afraid as the protagonist. The journey she takes is treacherous and painful. Her feet are not suited well for the journey. She desperately desires to shake off her fear and dwell on the high places. But her failure, her set backs, and her overwhelming journey is the only way to develop the feet to get her there.

And why has this been on my mind? Well,  I've committed myself to reading the Bible daily. And I'm on the third time of either the verse I'm reading that day or some verse that I come across later on that day/week mentioned turning my feet into the feet of a deer and setting me on high places. I do not believe in coincidence. So all I can do is believe that something is happening to shapen my feet.

Psalm 18:31-33 - "For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights." And this sentiment is echoed again in Habakkuk 3:18-19 "yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights."

And currently, there are just a few things happening that are pretty flippin tough. Relationships that are sucking the joy out of us and our marriage. Failures that are defeating me. Struggle that is painful.  But He is a good Father. We are loved. And He is my strength. And I will not let myself be afraid or try to to picture what it all will be like, when I'm finally on the high places.

“Much-Afraid, don't ever allow yourself to begin trying to picture what it will be like. Believe me, when you get to the place which you dread you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice. I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is."

*** all quotes herein are from Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard***

Coming of Age - The LONG Story About a Commute Home

I can't even handle the fact that I have a blog and haven't posted since 2014. I think that makes me the worst blogger on the planet. But. Life. So. Much. Life.

I've been thinking A LOT lately about so many aspects of my life, my faith, my future, and my present and that leads me to this zone of not being able to articulate out all my thoughts - which hello blog post.  Way cheaper than therapy and some people enjoy this hot mess...

It's crazy to think that 2014 happened - I was living in Chicago as a brand new attorney. Living this life that I had always dreamed about having and honestly got a little lost because every single goal I ever had -  I had met. I had all these plans and goals and by 25 had flippin nailed them all. Who does that? To the point that I hit this low because all of the sudden I looked up and finally said "well, what now?" because it was over. All of what I had been planning for and been striving to achieve was done. But the beauty of life is it doesn't stop for you to figure out any of those pesky questions - it just pushed me down and on and the world kept spinning.  And there were several bits when the swirling was really hard. I think I lost myself for a bit there. Like pregnant, living with my parents, without a job, wondering what had I done...

But it's 2016. And I'm a mom. A MOM. To the coolest, most beautiful, most wonderful creature I've ever seen. And it's like the entire world has changed and some days it's like nothing will ever change. But - life. Ya know?

Ok. Done with ramblings of the crazy. But I'm sure at least two of you totally understood all of that.

There's too much to try and recap about the life that has gone by in the last two years, but some major points that must be said to make sense: 1) we moved to Florida and 2) we had a baby. Those two things have so many strings attached that were never even contemplated when either of them really came around.

The moving to Florida has been such an experience. We are officially "grown ups". Matt's a full fledged doctor here - working daily with his own patients and helping to grow a practice with the intent to take over. And I'm in a firm that's so right for me it's scary. It's the first time in my life I feel like I can grow my talents and stretch my creative wings in a work environment.

And hello world - RAMONA GRACE. Y'all. We created a baby. This lady. This lady who had this horrific emotional, psychological, and physical meltdown circa 2012 when I was told I couldn't have kids. And then on August 25, 2015, in Montreal, Quebec, in a moment of utter confusion by the single most confusing pregnancy test I've ever encountered, I called in Matt. "If I'm pregnant there's supposed to be a negative sign and then a small plus sign. Is that a plus sign? It looks like a faint plus sign. What does this mean?" And he just laughed and said "I told you - you are pregnant!"

And then it was all a blur. And then she was here. And it's like we were always meant to have her here. And everything just made sense.

But life has not been easy. There have been set backs. But Jesus- oh Jesus in his grace- hit me with the softest failures of my life in the last two years. It's all very long and very detailed, but I've hit a wall with one of my last goals. This goal that I should be able to defeat. This goal that I'm smart enough to handle. I'm smart enough to make it my b****. I'm smart enough to take charge and dominate. And. I. Can't. Win.

And this last time I broke. A full day of wallowing and crying. Turned into two. Turned into three. "God, I just don't get it. What am I supposed to be learning here?" And I had lots of advice from several, reliable, dependable sources. And lots of love. And lots of encouragement. And I had zero tangible, palpable, painful repercussions. I just had grace.

Grace. The overwhelming and powerful presence that we don't deserve. Holy Grace. It's life altering. It's mind blowing. It's the thing that gives you the most perfect baby when you alone cannot. It's the thing that supplies you with not just a job, but a career, even when you don't deserve it.

And on day three, He said 5 small words. Words that have turned me, perhaps not around. Not even back. But my eyes are open. My ears are ready. In short - He - The Creator of the universe. Took the time to tell me - It's not about my failure. That it had nothing to do with what was happening to me. I'm being broken down (in the most gentle way I have ever seen Jesus move) until I am nothing. I. Literally just me. Nothing is being hurt by my failures. Just me. My pride. My brain. My ego. My me. The I is being demolished. And then I heard him say "I'm preparing you for the next."

Hello goosebumps. The next. I have so many friends who are either not Bible toting Baptists, or Grace Loving Presbys, or even believers and this will all seem like that crazy stuff on late night TV evangelism spots for your hot cash dollas. And until you hear Jesus/God - I cannot make you think I'm not crazy. I get it. This sounds crazy. But it's this crystal clear voice. I heard it the day I saw Matt. A complete and utter stranger. Yes, he's attractive, but I didn't know him at all and it was the second day of college. And I saw him sitting outside of the Bio building where we had our chem lecture and I had my iPod blaring. But everything got quiet and I saw him and I heard "that's who you're going to marry." That voice has led me to the most amazing aspects of my life. So yeah, I listen. With baited breath. With anticipation of greatness.

The next. The Coming of Age. All the aforementioned ramblings are to the point of today. I love having a commute. Driving alone and listening to music so loudly it hurts and I can feel the bass in my gut. That's my ideal end of the day. And I've recently changed to a vehicle without Sirius, so I burned a ton of CDs. And on one of my mixes (all of which are named after Mexican food btw, so I have no idea what any of them are... poor planning on my part) the Foster the People song Coming of Age came on. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBqzrj18S2w Listen to it. Don't watch the video. Just listen to it. Loudly.

My mom always told me she had to fight for me. She had a rough pregnancy. Scary rough. And several very spiritually real and terrifying things happened to my mom and to me when I was younger. And I've been all over the path to adulthood with crappy choices. Choices that should have derailed me.  And I've experienced some hauntingly horrific aspects of the spiritual realm that led to months without sleep. And it honestly wasn't until my junior year in college that Jesus handed me this plan called lawyering and said this is what you're going to do.  Flash forward to my biggest place of spiritual growth - The Evanston Vineyard. I had a wonderful mentor pray for me and she spoke a prophecy that she saw me standing on an elevated platform using my position in life to speak for those who cannot speak. And then nothing happened. No white dove. No rainbows. No butterflies. I just kept trudging. And working.

And at my first failure my brother just said at the end of a text "Noah kept building the boat even when it wasn't raining and even when the sky was clear." And at the second failure I said a bunch of apathetical excuses and said I can focus and accomplish. And at the third failure I said "wow I need to get right with Jesus." And I had a win. But I still hadn't won. And then the fourth failure hit. And then it started making sense.

You know the story of Jacob wrestling with the Angel? He was so exhausted. He was so tired. He was weary from the fight. He was too tired to rage. He needed a Coming of Age. He straight up wrestled an Angel of the Lord.  He man handled a heavenly being demanding blessing. All. Night. Long. Do you realize the intensity of the failure there? You are willing to physically assault a creature of heaven until you get an answer of blessing. Y'all I'm there.

So welcome back. Welcome back to the transparency that might make you uncomfortable. And it might change your opinion of me. And that's ok. Because I am stumbling. I am stumbling after a Holy God. And a next that I cannot even fathom. I'm wrestling. I'm desperately clinging to His robe, begging for blessing.  This is my Coming of Age. I cannot move on until there is no me left in my thought process - just Christ allowing me, guiding me, moving me, inspiring me. And that is where I'm picking my pieces back up. I'm not letting go. This is me. This is us. This is life.

And it is so beautiful.

Coming of Age - The LONG Story About a Commute Home

I can't even handle the fact that I have a blog and haven't posted since 2014. I think that makes me the worst blogger on the planet. But. Life. So. Much. Life.

I've been thinking A LOT lately about so many aspects of my life, my faith, my future, and my present and that leads me to this zone of not being able to articulate out all my thoughts - which hello blog post.  Way cheaper than therapy and some people enjoy this hot mess...

It's crazy to think that 2014 happened - I was living in Chicago as a brand new attorney. Living this life that I had always dreamed about having and honestly got a little lost because every single goal I ever had -  I had met. I had all these plans and goals and by 25 had flippin nailed them all. Who does that? To the point that I hit this low because all of the sudden I looked up and finally said "well, what now?" because it was over. All of what I had been planning for and been striving to achieve was done. But the beauty of life is it doesn't stop for you to figure out any of those pesky questions - it just pushed me down and on and the world kept spinning.  And there were several bits when the swirling was really hard. I think I lost myself for a bit there. Like pregnant, living with my parents, without a job, wondering what had I done...

But it's 2016. And I'm a mom. A MOM. To the coolest, most beautiful, most wonderful creature I've ever seen. And it's like the entire world has changed and some days it's like nothing will ever change. But - life. Ya know?

Ok. Done with ramblings of the crazy. But I'm sure at least two of you totally understood all of that.

There's too much to try and recap about the life that has gone by in the last two years, but some major points that must be said to make sense: 1) we moved to Florida and 2) we had a baby. Those two things have so many strings attached that were never even contemplated when either of them really came around.

The moving to Florida has been such an experience. We are officially "grown ups". Matt's a full fledged doctor here - working daily with his own patients and helping to grow a practice with the intent to take over. And I'm in a firm that's so right for me it's scary. It's the first time in my life I feel like I can grow my talents and stretch my creative wings in a work environment.

And hello world - RAMONA GRACE. Y'all. We created a baby. This lady. This lady who had this horrific emotional, psychological, and physical meltdown circa 2012 when I was told I couldn't have kids. And then on August 25, 2015, in Montreal, Quebec, in a moment of utter confusion by the single most confusing pregnancy test I've ever encountered, I called in Matt. "If I'm pregnant there's supposed to be a negative sign and then a small plus sign. Is that a plus sign? It looks like a faint plus sign. What does this mean?" And he just laughed and said "I told you - you are pregnant!"

And then it was all a blur. And then she was here. And it's like we were always meant to have her here. And everything just made sense.

But life has not been easy. There have been set backs. But Jesus- oh Jesus in his grace- hit me with the softest failures of my life in the last two years. It's all very long and very detailed, but I've hit a wall with one of my last goals. This goal that I should be able to defeat. This goal that I'm smart enough to handle. I'm smart enough to make it my b****. I'm smart enough to take charge and dominate. And. I. Can't. Win.

And this last time I broke. A full day of wallowing and crying. Turned into two. Turned into three. "God, I just don't get it. What am I supposed to be learning here?" And I had lots of advice from several, reliable, dependable sources. And lots of love. And lots of encouragement. And I had zero tangible, palpable, painful repercussions. I just had grace.

Grace. The overwhelming and powerful presence that we don't deserve. Holy Grace. It's life altering. It's mind blowing. It's the thing that gives you the most perfect baby when you alone cannot. It's the thing that supplies you with not just a job, but a career, even when you don't deserve it.

And on day three, He said 5 small words. Words that have turned me, perhaps not around. Not even back. But my eyes are open. My ears are ready. In short - He - The Creator of the universe. Took the time to tell me - It's not about my failure. That it had nothing to do with what was happening to me. I'm being broken down (in the most gentle way I have ever seen Jesus move) until I am nothing. I. Literally just me. Nothing is being hurt by my failures. Just me. My pride. My brain. My ego. My me. The I is being demolished. And then I heard him say "I'm preparing you for the next."

Hello goosebumps. The next. I have so many friends who are either not Bible toting Baptists, or Grace Loving Presbys, or even believers and this will all seem like that crazy stuff on late night TV evangelism spots for your hot cash dollas. And until you hear Jesus/God - I cannot make you think I'm not crazy. I get it. This sounds crazy. But it's this crystal clear voice. I heard it the day I saw Matt. A complete and utter stranger. Yes, he's attractive, but I didn't know him at all and it was the second day of college. And I saw him sitting outside of the Bio building where we had our chem lecture and I had my iPod blaring. But everything got quiet and I saw him and I heard "that's who you're going to marry." That voice has led me to the most amazing aspects of my life. So yeah, I listen. With baited breath. With anticipation of greatness.

The next. The Coming of Age. All the aforementioned ramblings are to the point of today. I love having a commute. Driving alone and listening to music so loudly it hurts and I can feel the bass in my gut. That's my ideal end of the day. And I've recently changed to a vehicle without Sirius, so I burned a ton of CDs. And on one of my mixes (all of which are named after Mexican food btw, so I have no idea what any of them are... poor planning on my part) the Foster the People song Coming of Age came on. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBqzrj18S2w Listen to it. Don't watch the video. Just listen to it. Loudly.

My mom always told me she had to fight for me. She had a rough pregnancy. Scary rough. And several very spiritually real and terrifying things happened to my mom and to me when I was younger. And I've been all over the path to adulthood with crappy choices. Choices that should have derailed me.  And I've experienced some hauntingly horrific aspects of the spiritual realm that led to months without sleep. And it honestly wasn't until my junior year in college that Jesus handed me this plan called lawyering and said this is what you're going to do.  Flash forward to my biggest place of spiritual growth - The Evanston Vineyard. I had a wonderful mentor pray for me and she spoke a prophecy that she saw me standing on an elevated platform using my position in life to speak for those who cannot speak. And then nothing happened. No white dove. No rainbows. No butterflies. I just kept trudging. And working.

And at my first failure my brother just said at the end of a text "Noah kept building the boat even when it wasn't raining and even when the sky was clear." And at the second failure I said a bunch of apathetical excuses and said I can focus and accomplish. And at the third failure I said "wow I need to get right with Jesus." And I had a win. But I still hadn't won. And then the fourth failure hit. And then it started making sense.

You know the story of Jacob wrestling with the Angel? He was so exhausted. He was so tired. He was weary from the fight. He was too tired to rage. He needed a Coming of Age. He straight up wrestled an Angel of the Lord.  He man handled a heavenly being demanding blessing. All. Night. Long. Do you realize the intensity of the failure there? You are willing to physically assault a creature of heaven until you get an answer of blessing. Y'all I'm there.

So welcome back. Welcome back to the transparency that might make you uncomfortable. And it might change your opinion of me. And that's ok. Because I am stumbling. I am stumbling after a Holy God. And a next that I cannot even fathom. I'm wrestling. I'm desperately clinging to His robe, begging for blessing.  This is my Coming of Age. I cannot move on until there is no me left in my thought process - just Christ allowing me, guiding me, moving me, inspiring me. And that is where I'm picking my pieces back up. I'm not letting go. This is me. This is us. This is life.

And it is so beautiful.