When Feet Simply Will Not Do

Sometime during my college years, my mom gave me a book that would forever change my life. To date, I've read it four times and am about to open it up again.

In all honesty, until my junior year of college, any Jesus focus was for short bursts of sudden emergency-based faith or apathetic at best. The all-too-typical "Christian home" syndrome, wherein you know everything that should be done and said and prayed, but if you are like me, you tend to arch your back against the should. And I say arch because that's how Ramona fights me - it's not a fast recoil or a bolt. In her weakness and unlearned movements, she just arches against my plan.  In short, Jesus wasn't my focus at all. And I'm not sure why she gave me the book when she did. Perhaps she knew my journey would never be an easy traverse across luscious green pastures with butterflies.  And I will say with a heavy caveat, my journey, as compared to many others, has been a walk in the park. Perhaps because most of my journey has been contained in my mind, my body, my weaknesses, my spiritual walk, my marriage, and my wins and losses.

"I must tell you a great truth, Much-Afraid, which only the few understand. All the fairest beauties in the human soul, its greatest victories, and its most splendid achievements are always those which no one else knows anything about, or can only dimly guess at. Every inner response of the human heart to Love and every conquest over self-love is a new flower on the tree of Love."

But the call I feel on my life and with my husband is becoming more apparent the older we get. We have seasons where we drift in and out of this master plan and it's obvious when the drifting has gone too far out. We will struggle to feel purposeful. We will struggle to feel connected. We will struggle to feel joyful. And for me, I will struggle just to feel. And then we will have some moment that will melt my solidified heart and bring be back in.

"Whenever you are willing to obey me, Much-Afraid, and to follow the path of my choice, you will always be able to hear and recognize my voice, and when you hear it you must always obey. Remember also that it is always safe to obey my voice, even if it seems to call you to paths which look impossible or even crazy.” 

I think all too often people confuse the Christian walk as this mystical yellow brick road bringing you home to Jesus. I mean, I'm sure there are some parts that feel that way, but more often than not, my walk is TOTALLY different. It's when I am most committed to prayer and searching for wisdom through the Bible that my life becomes the most stressful. Outside relationships will start to become insanely frustrating. I'll feel like I'm in a funk when I go to church. Everything about church/community will get on my last nerve. I'll suddenly get so judgmental about the most minor aspect of worship or the pastor that I'm entirely missing the point of the sermon. And then the night terrors will happen. The ones where I'm too scared to sleep. The ones where I have to have my husband physically hold me down in the bed because I'm screaming and hyperventilating so badly because of what I see/experience. The ones I have to text or call the 5 or so people who know about what I see and beg them to pray with me so I can sleep. But why would all this attack happen? Why would it all be so difficult? Why would I experience crippling failure and depression? Why would I experience inexplicable fatigue and exhaustion? Why would my anxiety overwhelm me to the point of stagnancy?

"Therefore I begin to think, my Lord, you purposely allow us to be brought into contact with the bad and evil things that you want changed. Perhaps that is the very reason that we are here in this world, where sin and sorrow and suffering and evil abound, so that we may let you teach us so to react to them, that out of them we can create lovely qualities to live forever. That is the only really satisfactory way of dealing with evil, not simply binding it so that it cannot work harm, but whenever possible overcoming it with good."

Because. Because of the hind. A hind is a female deer, specifically a red deer. But throughout literature and the Bible, the deer is commonly referenced for a more specific purpose: its feet.

The ugly, hoof shaped feet of a deer or mountain goat are the very reason it can climb and jump. To quote "the Google" - "The mountain goat's feet are well-suited for climbing steep, rocky slopes with pitches exceeding 60°, with inner pads that provide traction and cloven hooves that can spread apart. The tips of their feet have sharp dewclaws that keep them from slipping." 

“O Shepherd. You said you would make my feet like hinds' feet and set me upon High Places".
"Well", he answered "the only way to develop hinds' feet is to go by the paths which the hinds use.” 

So back to the book.  Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard is an allegorical tale featuring Much-Afraid as the protagonist. The journey she takes is treacherous and painful. Her feet are not suited well for the journey. She desperately desires to shake off her fear and dwell on the high places. But her failure, her set backs, and her overwhelming journey is the only way to develop the feet to get her there.

And why has this been on my mind? Well,  I've committed myself to reading the Bible daily. And I'm on the third time of either the verse I'm reading that day or some verse that I come across later on that day/week mentioned turning my feet into the feet of a deer and setting me on high places. I do not believe in coincidence. So all I can do is believe that something is happening to shapen my feet.

Psalm 18:31-33 - "For who is God besides the Lord? And who is the Rock except our God? It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights." And this sentiment is echoed again in Habakkuk 3:18-19 "yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights."

And currently, there are just a few things happening that are pretty flippin tough. Relationships that are sucking the joy out of us and our marriage. Failures that are defeating me. Struggle that is painful.  But He is a good Father. We are loved. And He is my strength. And I will not let myself be afraid or try to to picture what it all will be like, when I'm finally on the high places.

“Much-Afraid, don't ever allow yourself to begin trying to picture what it will be like. Believe me, when you get to the place which you dread you will find that they are as different as possible from what you have imagined, just as was the case when you were actually ascending the precipice. I must warn you that I see your enemies lurking among the trees ahead, and if you ever let Craven Fear begin painting a picture on the screen of your imagination, you will walk with fear and trembling and agony, where no fear is."

*** all quotes herein are from Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard***